Bezos Wedding Guests Given Monogrammed Plastic Bottles To Urinate In During Ceremony
VENICE, ITALY—In a welcome bag filled with favors such as local chocolates, artisanal soaps, and scented candles, guests arriving for the wedding of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez this week were reportedly given monogrammed plastic bottles in which to urinate during the ceremony. “…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/bezos-wedding-guests-given-monogrammed-plastic-bottles-to-urinate-in-during-ceremony/
Donald Trump just unilaterally bombed Iran. A masked gang is terrorizing our streets. America has rapidly devolved into an authoritarian state.
That's why, today, The Onion has purchased a full page ad in today's New York Times with a simple plea to Congress:
Sit back and do absolutely nothing.
(The Onion is satire, ICYMI)
Congress, now more than ever, our nation needs your cowardice
Congress, now more than ever, our nation needs your... #theonion #satire #uspolWhy I’m Sending Issues of ‘The Onion’ To Every Member Of Congress
The following is an open letter from Global Tetrahedron CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder that was included with each copy of The Onion that was sent to Congress. If you are reading this, you are likely either a member of Congress or one of the many underlings tasked with prodding lawmakers from a senile haze when they […]
The post Why I’m Sendi…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/why-im-sending-issues-of-the-onion-to-every-member-of-congress/
Fascists love to dress up, don't they? All that stolen valour, etc....
Christian Faith An Important Part Of Who Senator Pretends To Be
WASHINGTON—Stressing that the facade informs nearly every aspect of his daily life, Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) told reporters Thursday that his Christian faith is an important part of who he pretends to be. “Whether I’m delivering a speech calling for theocracy in front of dozens of cameras or talking to my children at the kitchen table [……
#theonion
https://theonion.com/christian-faith-an-important-part-of-who-senator-pretends-to-be/
Texas Doctor Tapes Pregnancy Pamphlet To Comatose Woman’s Forehead
The post Texas Doctor Tapes Pregnancy Pamphlet To Comatose Woman’s Forehead appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/texas-doctor-tapes-pregnancy-pamphlet-to-comatose-womans-forehead/
Allergic Swelling Leaves Kristi Noem’s Face Completely Recognizable
The post Allergic Swelling Leaves Kristi Noem’s Face Completely Recognizable appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/allergic-swelling-leaves-kristi-noems-face-completely-recognizable/
Mom Would Rather Kids Host Freak-Off In Own Basement Instead Of Some Rapper’s House
CLEVELAND—Insisting she preferred the peace of mind that came from knowing who her children were spending time with, local mom Sandra Peck told reporters Tuesday she would rather her kids host a freak-off in their own basement instead of at some rapper’s house. “Of course, I’d rather they not freak…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/mom-would-rather-kids-host-freak-off-in-own-basement-instead-of-some-rappers-house/
Gunman Takes Huge Swing Ordering Hostages Buffalo Chicken Pizza
CHATTANOOGA, TN—In the midst of an armed bank robbery that authorities said is still ongoing, an unidentified gunman allegedly took a huge swing during a tense standoff Monday when he ordered his hostages Buffalo chicken pizza. Law enforcement officials confirmed the First National Bank downtown had been surrounded by SWAT teams for o…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/gunman-takes-huge-swing-ordering-hostages-buffalo-chicken-pizza/
Sabrina Carpenter Assures Fans That Daddy Will Punish Her For Album Cover
LOS ANGELES—Faced with criticism after posting the suggestive cover of her forthcoming album Man’s Best Friend, pop star Sabrina Carpenter released a statement Monday assuring her fans that Daddy will punish her over it. “To any of my fans who were offended by the provocative album artwork, please know that I will be…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/sabrina-carpenter-assures-fans-that-daddy-will-punish-her-for-album-cover/